Because there is nothing to loose, but self respect

I’ve been toying with the idea of blogging again for a while. After over a decade of not writing with any real consistency, I’ve picked it up again. And suddenly there aren’t enough avenues to get the thoughts out of my head. But I held myself back. Why? Because no one would want to read the abstract prattle in my head. Because I am not an expert on anything useful. Because I don’t have enough content on any one subject to be meaty enough for an entire blog. Because I’m just not good enough.

(side not … why does spell check still not accept blog as a read word?)

If writing again has taught me anything it’s that 1) I do not think like normal people and 2) I am not as good at not thinking like normal people as some other people.

Let’s face it, I will work hard and take criticism. I’ll accept defeat graciously when I come in second place. But at the end of the day, I don’t do anything that I don’t know in my heart of hearts I will succeed at … eventually. There is no such clarity in being a successful writer.

So why am I still trying?

The easy answer is – I don’t know.

So for now, until I know why I should or shouldn’t blog … I’ll just do it. It won’t be consistent. It won’t have focus. It won’t have a similar voice from entry to entry. It will have grammatical errors. It will tell you about things you don’t care about. And there is a higher than not chance, that no one will read it. But I’ll do it anyway. Because I like it, and accept I might be a masochist. Because it makes me feel better. And because, if the chance exists that there is someone out there just as randomly frustrated by the novelties that drive my daily thinking, maybe, just maybe, they’ll like it.

Hang in there while I remember how to do this and update things, it might take a while. But I’ll get there (hint – there are a lot more of us than the ‘twos’ of original posts) and in the meantime, oh well.

Another month, another goal

It's that time again: monthly goal setting. It is with a heavy heart that I decided upon this month's goal, so without further delay (gulp):

• No caffeine
  

Let the games begin ...

And Now, A Little Bit of Mom Humor

In the spirit of if you don’t laugh, you'll cry ...

6:25 am - Wake up, think I hear Isla crying
6:26 am - Negative, Nash crying. Husband does Nash mornings - whew
6:27 am - Must get up, must get up
6:30 am - Get up, brush teeth, look at self - ugh, shouldn't have done that.
6:33 am - Throw on barn clothes, need to try and get these suckers done on time this morning
6:35 am - Offer to help hubs with kids - since apparently Isla woke up in the last 10 minutes, which leaves him with two
6:36 am - Change Isla bottom (no, poo, no, poo, no poo) and thankfully no poo
6:40 am - Hand Isla off to hubs to feed
6:41 am - Look at hubs' face. Offer to take Isla back and feed
6:42 am - Feed Isla
6:55 am - Put Isla down, time to go do horses
6:56 am - Get over baby gate, hear screaming. Talk to Nash - always forget I can't walk out of a room without explaining why
6:57 am - Start to put on remaining barn clothes - Peter looks up with sad face, Karma "talks" and jumps
6:58 am - Give dogs a treat - should buy me a little time
6:59 am - Put on remaining barn clothes
7:01 am - Do horses - ahhhh, this is my relaxing time each morning. Sad. But true
7:23 am - Back in, greeted by spastic whippets - guess I didn't buy much time after all
7:24 am - Feed whippets - cat meows, apparently doesn't remember its 10 hours too early
7:25 am - Walk into living room - hubs folding clothes, Nash 'helping', hubs not happy with help
7:26 am - Encourage Nash to come with me to pick out my clothes and get ready
7:27 am - Do hair and makeup while Nash brushes his teeth - if you call sucking water off the tooth brush brushing your teeth
7:32 am - Get half dressed - hear LOTS of 'no's' coming from the living room
7:36 am - Go into living room and get Nash away from hubs - really, he does not want help
7:38 am - Finish getting dressed
7:43 am - Pack up Isla's daycare items
7:44 am - Pack up Nash's daycare items
7:45 am - Pack up lunch
7:49 am - Try and find laptop. Where is effing laptop - oh yea, left in car to make things easier.
7:50 am - Remember Isla still needs to finish bottle. Crap. Oh, hubs did it already (that guy is pretty cool sometimes)
7:50 am - Hug hubs. He deserves it
7:52 am - Gather up stuff to go to car - hubs brings out both kids (that guy is pretty cool sometimes)
7:53 am - Crap forgot purse
7:53 am - Crap forgot Nash's beeka
7:53 am - Crap took too long and now Isla is crying because she lost her beeka
7:54 am - Hurry to get into car and get it running - off to daycare
8:08 am - Get to daycare and get Isla, Isla's bag and Nash's bedroll out
8:09 am - Go to Get Nash - oh look. He's taken his shoes and socks off. Again.
8:09 am - Put on Nash's shoes and socks, get Nash's bag, pick up: him, it, Isla, Isla's bag and his bedroll
8:10 am - Drop off kids - listen to Nash scream uncontrollably while I walk out of his room. I hate that part
8:20 am - Head to work - car is quiet. Brilliant
8:33 am - Walk into office and security asks me "so, are you ready to start your day?" I think, "if you only knew..."

A Little Success, a Lot of Failure

So, the first of the year has come and gone and like many people my resolve to stick to New Years resolutions is waning. But let's back up a little bit …

In the Beginning
I don't have any hard and fast rules for New Year's Resolutions. Some years I have put it all on the line (generally that has resulted in failure). Some years I resolve to not have any resolutions (great way to prevent failure, bad way to foster success). This year I thought I would be smart and set myself up for success. I decided to set mini goals for each month, and once I was able to commit each month's goals to 'business as usual' I would tack on something new. The theory is that this would prevent me from being overwhelmed at first and would also give new goals every few weeks so that my interest would stay piqued. In theory … it should have worked.

January's three goals were pretty traditional. I did great for nearly the whole month. Slipped once or twice, but nothing huge and nothing that brought me down. The big bonus is that I also lost 7 pounds without even having that as a goal. Go me, I rock! But as the last week in January came and went it didn't go quiet so well. And that's when it started to unravel.

Bump in the Road
I could have just picked back up in February. That would have been a logical and rational response to what happened. I, however, decided to beat myself up and go back to the beginning. The best thing, I decided, would be to go at least two more weeks on January's goals alone to make sure that I would keep doing them. Then, if I succeeded I could pick up a new goal. There were two things wrong with this:
1 - this thought process accepts the possibility of failure as an option. Bad.
2 - it pushed out February goals which killed the momentum of the process. Oh, why must I be so self defeating?

Needless to say the next two weeks spiraled out of control and resulted in all goals being missed and feelings of defeat abound. At one point I even decided that I should just forget January's goals all together and move right to February. This might have worked, had February's goals been anything other than what it was: Keep an upbeat and happy attitude - acting happy will result in happy. Great goal. Hard to execute when my issue was feeling down and blue. Still, I managed to hold onto it for 3 days. And then yesterday I bottomed out and not only did January's goals not materialize, but February's positive attitude came to a screeching halt in a firestorm of pissiness. Poor Justin.

Rebuilding
The nice thing about a bad day/week/month is that it always comes to an end. And, at every end, you have a new beginning. Today I will reclaim my ownership of all four goals. I WILL do it. And if I slip a little it won't be failure, it will be par for the course. I don't know why we are so hard on ourselves. I don’t know why we naturally slip into self defeating habits. I don’t know why we focus on our failures instead of our successes. I don’t know how to stop it from happening again … but I resolve to try.

Let's Make it Official:
And until further notice, the current goals are (drum roll please)

• I will eat five servings of fruits and vegetables every day
• I will drink alcohol no more than twice a week and no more than four servings at a time
• I will eat dessert no more than once a day and no more than one serving at a time
• I will act happy even when I am not. I will look at things in life as positive opportunities instead of negative effects

And the forecast calls for ... more snow.

Richmond, as it turns out, has become a suburb of Boston, MA. What, that doesn't make sense to you? I guess it’s a bit of a stretch really, but if you look at the snowfall the Central Virginia area has gotten this winter then I think you'd get my point. It has been over 15 years since we have gotten two foot+ snows in one winter, and now we are looking at a third! Goodness help us all. Snow is pretty and all, really, it is. I used to love waking up the sound, or lack thereof, of freshly fallen snow. It's so peaceful, serene, and unblemished. And snow days from school where the bomb (back when that phrase wasn’t dated and old lady sounding)! Ah yes, when I was young, single and didn't have a herd of 2 and 4-legged children I used to be able to appreciate all that snow had to offer.

Now, not so much.

Nash is going insane with his lack of park trips: trust me, my boy needs his park trips. There are only so many ways we can find to entertain him within the same 400 sq ft. Last weekend I gave him a bath just to have something different to do, I even contemplated outing on a bathing suit and getting in with him to try and drag it out another 15-20 minutes (equal to 20-30 minutes with a temper tantrum … it would have been worth it). The whippets are utterly annoying after being sequestered "Are we going out now?! What about now!! If I bark, then can we go? What if I run up and down the hallway? Now!! What, I am not supposed to eat that?! You can't catch me! Weeee!!!" Stupid dogs. I won't even get into the horses. Haande still has snow "legwarmers" and I don’t dare contemplate how much poop is under all that snow since I haven't been able to muck out the runs in a week. Old, wet, poop. Yay. I will say, however, that watching him run around the paddock with the hay tarp because he had 3 days pent up energy and I couldn't get to the tarp before he did was humorous. "Look at meeeeeeeee!!!! Look what I can do!!!!" Harriet did not find this amusing, as she logically determined that he was actually trying to run her down and kill her with said tarp. It was a bad day for our little mule. One rarely escapes death without some harm to the sole. Yep, these days being snowed in sucks.

So, a natural choice would be to head out. Right? If there is anything worse than dealing with my crew in the snow its dealing with all the other humans, and their cars, in the snow. Yes, Richmonders turn into bumbling idiots when snow falls … didn't you know? While accepting the risk becoming a hypocrite let me just vent a few frustrations:

• People who drive well below the speed limit after the snow has melted: Dude, the road is DRY. You can go 45 mph and not explode into a massive fireball. Promise.
• People who drive like normal before the snow has been plowed/thawed: Uh, yea. Snow is slick. Didn't you know? No? Probably do now that you are in a ditch and I am stuck in a pile-up of people waiting to pass your dumb butt because half your car is still in the road. Thanks. Thanks a lot.
• People who don’t clean off the top of their car: Yes Mr. SUV owner, I absolutely wanted two garbage cans of snow dumped on my windshield while driving down the interstate. Thank you for sharing (sharing = being to lazy to finish the job right).
• People who come to a complete stop in the middle of their traffic lane because there is some residual snow that the plow didn't get: GO you fool! People will hit you! By people, I mean me.
• People with 4 wheel drive: having 4 wheel drive does nothing to help you when all 4 wheels are on ice. You're an idiot.

Of course, many of these excellent drivers are heading to the grocery store. Because everyone knows that if you are going to be stuck inside for a whole two days what you really need is 5 gallons of milk, 6 loaves of bread and enough canned food to recreate Jamestown. I had to fight for a half gallon of whole milk for Nash last week. It almost got ugly. I can't imagine what people actually do with all this milk, bread and canned peas. The mind reels. Do what I do … call out for pizza. Its entertainment and food all in a one-stop-shop.

Oh, I could go on for days but I will be kind and spare you. Just suffice it to say, I am terribly ready for summer (when I am complaining about the heat and people in short shorts please do not remind me of this posting - I won't be interested) but until that glorious time I will just continue to try and stay dry, mud free and keep the troops entertained. Punxsutawney Phil, you little bastard, you better be wrong.

Don't Talk to Me

Answer: Facebook, Myspace, Twitter, Blogging, IMing, Texting.
Question: Social media and technology which have replaced face-to-face human contact.

We’ve all heard it at least a dozen times: the current use of social media and technology is rapidly degrading our ability to have face-to-face human interactions. It’s true that I can complete a huge range of daily activities without actually talking to anyone. I can bank online or at the ATM. I can shop for almost anything I need, including food, online and have it delivered to my door. I can go through an entire workday using email and IM exclusively. I communicate with my friends and family via Facebook or text. In fact, there are some friends who I haven’t actually spoken with in months, but I know that their son didn’t sleep through the night last night and they were finally able to conquer the butt and gut class at the gym two weeks ago. Even with my husband a lot of our ‘talking’ is done with email and text. I get my fitness instruction from the TV and my mommy support from online forums. It is possible to have a very active and fulfilling day without ever opening my mouth (hold your comments to this statement ... they aren't wanted here).

Along with this increase in social media too, it is said, has come a decrease in the quality of conversation and the written word. Again, I concede. I may know that my friend made it through her butt and gut class, but I certainly didn’t hear all the dirty details which make true story telling an American pastime. The woman grunting behind her so loudly that the Williams sisters would be embarrassed; the truck sized ass of the girl in front whose shorts kept going someplace unmentionable (did she seriously think that was appropriate or unnoticed?); the thin, blond, buoyant, ever so enthusiastic teacher whom we would all like to do mean things to for no other reason than because we cannot be her (which is completely acceptable). And when it comes to spelling and grammar - watch out. Anything that shortens a word makes texting easier so proper sentences have been replaced with things like ‘rotflmao’ and ‘wat d u wana do 2nite.’ And bless your heart if you think that the correct use of punctuation and capitalization have any importance at all in modern life. Because, you’re wrong. And even when the communication is detailed and doesn’t make my 5th grade English teacher gag, there is something lost in the delivery. Sarcasm, frustration, confusion, reservation, excitement – these things cannot be conveyed the same way in print as they can in person. You can CAPITALIZE EVERY LETTER IN A SENTENCE and still not get across the same effect as running up a screaming in someone’s face (this may, actually, be a good thing for some). You can add a … but it doesn’t create the same dramatic pause is if you were to pause before the punch line.

Yes, all the new advances in technology have done a number on the quality of human interactions we have here in this great country. And personally, I LOVE it. I know. I am not supposed to say that; I am supposed to mourn the loss of intimacy, structure and quality. Maybe every once in a while I do. But not often. I like not having to talk to the checkout lady at the grocery store. I don’t want to make small talk with the bank teller. I don’t always have the time for the formalities of a phone conversation … I mean, when was the last time your entire phone call with your BFF consisted of:

“See you at 5”

No, usually it goes something like:

“Hello?”
“Hey, just wanted to let you know I will be at your place by 5”
“Ok, great then I will see you when you get here.”
“Cool. Oh, did everything go ‘ok’ today?”
“Oh yea, everything is good. We will talk more tonight.”
“Yep, sure thing. See you then!”

That was more painful, admit it. No, I like being able to live a life which I delude myself into thinking is rich in friendship and connections without actually having to get dressed or leave my sofa. I like being able to catch up with all my friends at 3 am when Isla won’t sleep. And when I am in a nasty mood, it’s really best that people talk to me with a technology buffer in place. Let’s face it – it’s much easier to backspace away a rude comment before sending than it is to take it back once it’s been said.

Yes, as far as I am concerned the less human contact I have to have the better. Because, what that means is that when I do choose to have contact with another person it truly will be quality time. I will want to be there, they will want to be there and I will really pay attention because I know the value of that time. So, if you want to talk to me feel free to find me on FB, shoot me a text or comment on this page. But if you want to call me be prepared to wait … free quality time for me these days comes little and far between. And if I call you or set-up a get together know that you have made into onto a very short list indeed.

She Rides Again

Ever since I got the 'ok' from the doctor to ride again I have been trying to figure out how to get back in the saddle. This winter has been rough on the horse community. I mean, yes horses can swim; but it's not really what most of us intend to do with them. Each day I go out to the barn and look at the mud puddle which used to be our paddock and think, "they say it'll be dry next week so I can wait." Well, dry never came and I became more and more anxious. So I did what any red-blooded horsewoman would do: called around every barn within a 20 mile radius which seemed halfway decent until I found one that would give me a lesson with one day's notice.

I ran home and grabbed my hat and chaps (after dusting them off a little) and jumped into the car. Off I go! It's incredibly silly how exciting this was turning out to be. I have, in fact, spent an enormous amount of my life in a saddle, why would this be so exciting? Maybe because it's been so long. Maybe because I'd be getting to ride a different horse. Maybe because I have been riding on my own for so long I was just happy to be going someplace where there was guaranteed to be at least one other person there. Whatever the reason I was beyond myself (thus the text messages to every horse person I knew to share the good news ... because they care). I was nearly at the barn before it hit me that I haven't ridden in two years and the chance of either 1) falling off or 2) making a complete fool of myself were very real possibilities. As a child I was fearless but in the last 5 years or so the realities of adulthood have sunk in and there has been a new sense of trepidation. Horses are, if you didn't know already, 1000 pound plus animals who cannot tell us what they are thinking or what they are about to do ... and really, they probably won't tell us even if they could. I mean, these are animals who run like their lives will end immanently unless they retreat from that insanely dangerous leaf which is six inches away from the place it was five minutes ago. Creepy! Critical thinking is not high on the list of equine capabilities.

Regardless of the possible bodily harm concerns, I have arrived! I grab my things and go in. I had forgotten how much I love the smell of a barn on a cool afternoon. We have horses at home, of course, but there is something about a big barn. The combination of soft, dry hay, sweet feed, worn leather and warm horse breath that is magic. I am shown around the barn by a girl who I can only assume is half my age and who seems to think I have never ridden in a lesson program before. (yes, I know what grooming tools are and how to use them) I meet my noble steed, a very cute chestnut Quarter Horse named Xander. He's got a very kind eye and we agree over a good grooming that he is not going to kill me or make any of my fears a reality. As I lead him out the the ring I feel a sense of calm that I haven't felt in a very long time ... ah, happiness.

The ride was very uneventful. Mostly walking and talking about past experience and future goals. I would have preferred to have gotten more active riding time in, but was just excited that it all came back so easily. Heels down, seat light, hands even and forward, head up. As I sat in the saddle for that first time, I worried I might be awkward. But it's just like riding a bike. The instructor complemented me on my leg position and said I was obviously an accomplished rider based on my form after being so very out of practice (thank you, thank you ... please hold while I pat myself on the back). We cool out and I dismount ... ARG, hitting the ground hard on a cold day still sends needle like pains into the feet. Forgot about that. Dammit. Next time I will be more careful.

Xander and I finish untacking and getting everything back in its place and I say goodbye. I get in the car and can't imagine many nicer ways to spend an afternoon. I think about the time at the barn the rest of the evening. I wish I could have stayed longer. Its odd to be at a barn without people I know or a horse of my own. The time seems more fleeting, more borrowed. My new goal is to get the truck and trailer ready so I can take Haande out. I can only hope that results is as pleasant an afternoon ... if I can just manage to strike the same deal with him as I did with my little borrowed Quarter Horse! No mater what lies ahead in my equine journey, I am excited to get there. It's been too long ...