When Enough is Too Much

Everyone said when I became a mom I was never going to be able to imagine life without my kids. They were right and wrong all at the same time. True enough, I can't imagine not having my two little angels. I never thought that I could love anyone so much before Nash was born. Then when I was pregnant with Isla I never thought I'd be able to love her as much as I loved him. Both times I was wrong. Being a mom is learning to love. That being said ... I certainly CAN remember life before them. I remember nights with friends, riding, movies, gym time, weekend walks, relaxation, spontaneity, sleeping in, sleeping at all for that matter. I remember youth and the feeling that the whole world was out there to conquer. I remember all of it. That being said, I will give up anything I have to for my children without even batting an eye.

But how to you define "have to"?

So far I haven't really given up that much. I still have my horses, in fact they are now at home which is a a big step closer to my equestrian goals. I still go to the gym with friends after work. I am still trying to run (with surprisingly little success considering the effort). I try and cook from scratch when the mood strikes. I go and see movies in the theater when its something I just can't resist. I go out to dinner, sometimes even with friends.

So why am I complaining?

Well, I haven't given up that much in quantity (except for sleep ... notice that wasn't in the proceeding paragraph) but I have given up a tremendous amount in quality. My horses lead a somewhat pitiful life lacking in nearly all human contact. Healthy, yes. Fulfilled, probably not. My dogs are terrors, mostly due to lack of attention. My increasing bulk says all that's needed to be said about the gym. I don't read as much as I like (i.e. ever). I have to go see those movies I mentioned during the work day ... shhhh, don't tell. I duck out early from work as much as possible just so that I can get the basic groceries to feed Nash and Isla. Eating out happens but it's hurried and not really worth it in the end. And household responsibilities? Let's just say the most dedicated bachelor has nothing on the 'cleanliness' of my floors and bathrooms, which once I felt were a source of pride. No, alas, I have discovered that everyone else was right and I cannot be a super mom.

Who really suffers?

Everyone! My children don't get my undivided attention for the short time a day I see them, they share it with animal care and running. My husband (my wonderful, terrific, amazing husband) ends up watching the kids when I am doing these things that I don't feel I have to give up. He also ends up at the bottom of the list when it comes to time and attention. My family does not see the kids or us because there just isn't time in the day. The animals, who didn't choose to be mine, have suddenly been so rudely demoted from #2 to #whenever I can. And ironically enough ... ME! Yes, I admit it. Trying to do it all isn't working. Maintaining enough of my life before the kids to make me feel independent is tying me down like a ship to the shore. Enough ... well, its just too much.

So? Now what?

Being the only child that I am (you others out there will feel me on this) I still think if I just do it better, faster, or more efficiently I will be able to do it all. Eventually. I am just not ready to give any of it up. I don't have to. So, as I sit here blogging after a full day of barn chores, house chores, circuit training, child feeding, meal making, planning for a new arena for riding and the minimal personal hygiene I still manage to accomplish every day I wonder ... when exactly will enough be just too much?